The Litter Bug

I don’t mean to scare ya, my friend, but I betcha
Come Father’s Day the litter bug’s gonna getcha
The urge is righteous, but the face is wrong
I hope that something better comes along

I want to have children.

Well, more accurately, I want someone else to have children, sired by me. Not a wife, don't want a wife, and who'd have me, anyway? Just a surrogate mother, is what I need, so I can have my children.

I don't necessarily want to KEEP them, you understand. Children are kinda nightmarish, really. I just want to name them.

I want to have three girls. No boys, please. I was a boy myself, and I know what an asshole I was. If my sons would be genetically programmed to be like me, then No Boys Allowed.

You know how your more hysterical conservatives worry about abortion on demand because they think that people will abort fetuses because they don't like the sex of the child? I'm the one that they got that idea from. "It's a boy? I'm making an appointment at the clinic."

Anyway, yes, three girls. And if they have the same last name as me (there are no guarantees), then their initials will be CRW, VMW, and (my favorite) XVW. They're gonna have hell finding monogrammed clothing.

One name is a nod to my Slavic heritage, a good solid Russian name, a very beautiful Russian name actually, which is Xenia. Not ZEE-nia, like those idiots in Ohio pronounce it, but ZEN-ya, which is the proper pronunciation. Also there will be a Circe, connecting one of the girls with the classical age. Their middle names will be in honor of the great French thinkers, Rousseau and Voltaire. Neither is a feminine name, but they're both lovely-sounding enough for my beautiful little girls. And anyway, I'm heavily into androgyny. So, Xenia Voltaire and Circe Rousseau.

The third little girl will be named for my home, Virginia, and we will call her Ginny, which folks will think is Jenny and they'll say "Thank God he gave ONE of his daughters a real little girl's name." Her middle name will be Mercy, which I've always thought was just a beautiful name for a girl, even though Ace appropriated it from me for one of his stories. Virginia Mercy. That just sounds so wonderful. And then, because they all would have such beautiful names, I would prob'ly end up falling in love with them and keeping them anyway.

So, all I need is a prospective mother with 27 months to kill, and then we can get on with our lives. Any takers?