SCENE: It's the middle of the night. A man and woman are sitting on a low brick porch with an iron railing, in cheap folding chairs. HE holds a 32-oz. cup full of whiskey and water, and he chain-smokes. SHE holds a can of beer, and there’s a cat asleep among the empty cans under her chair. It’s a hot night but there’s a misting rain that cools them and makes everything shine, even in the low light. Both are slightly drunk and laughing.
SHE: We’re going to Hell.
HE: ‘Sno such place.
SHE: No. But, pretend. Just to keep the conversation going.
HE: Okay. There’s a Hell. (drinks) Just the one?
SHE: As many as you like.
HE: Really?
SHE: Sure. How many do you expect to need?
HE: Ummm…fourteen.
SHE: Okay. Fourteen hells, then. And we’re going.
HE: Now?
SHE: Eventually.
HE: To which?
SHE: All of them. We’ll split ‘em. Fourteen hells…that’s seven apiece.
HE: Wait, we aren’t gonna share hells? ‘Cause, love, if I can’t hang around with you, I’m not going.
SHE: Well, you can come visit, I guess.
HE: Okay. We’ll build a subway connecting them all, like the boroughs in New York.
SHE: Won’t that be expensive?
HE: I don’t know from infrastructure. And anyway, will there even be money in Hell?
SHE: Well, it’s the root of all evil. I had just assumed, I guess…
HE: Maybe I’ll hitchhike, then.
SHE: Good for you. Though I’m guessing that in Hell, you have to be careful who you take a ride from. If Ted Bundy pulls up in his little blue Bug…
HE: Not a problem. Serial killers lose a lot of their mystique if you’re already dead.
SHE: I suppose that’s true.
HE: I’m gonna taunt ‘em. I’m gonna walk up to Jack the Ripper and just point and giggle. Their eternal punishment will be me making fun of them. It’ll be a blast.
SHE: Looking forward to it, are you?
HE: Hell? Oh, sure. I mean, who wants to go to Heaven? Singing hymns and praising God and all that, sounds kinda boring to me. And it’s forever, remember. A little bit of boring is gonna go an awful long way. Hell seems like it would suit us better.
SHE: You know, you’re right. The things we’re going to Hell for, those are the things we enjoy, right? So maybe in Hell we'll be surrounded by the things we love. We'll bring our taste for illicit substances and lewd entertainment with us...
HE: ...we'll have a few drinks, smoke a little pot, get in the odd barfight, fool around a bit...
SHE: ...an eternity of sex, drugs, and John Waters movies, huh?
HE: It'll be divine.
SHE: So to speak.
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