naked, rude, inaccesible, and cheap

Whew, the last few days have been eventful. I’m not gonna write about everything right now, because I kind of hate to have more than one subject in an entry, and also because I haven’t yet decided which bits I’m gonna write about at all. But I will tell you this particular bit from last night, because it’s funny and made me feel good:

Okay, as you folks know, I deliver pizza for Husson’s. And, like people who work any job where they have to deal with the public, we have certain regular customers that we hate. Husson’s Enemy #1 is this guy named Ayers who lives on Wilson Court. In the first place, I just don’t like Wilson Court. I don’t want to drive there. It’s a narrow, hilly, poorly-paved (even by local standards) deathtrap, and it wrecks Rosie’s suspension. Even if I was fond of him, I’d be unhappy about delivering to that place.

But really, I’m not likely to feel any fondness for him. In the first place, of course, he never tips. Ever. That’s bad enough, but he’s also very rude. He answers the door in his underwear, which I hate, a pot-bellied man in his mid-fifties standing there in his boxers and socks, no shirt. But more than that, he never says anything. I ask “How are ya doing?” Nothing. I tell him how much his food costs. He gives me the money (exact change, of course) but says nothing. I tell him I hope he enjoys his food and has a good night. By the time I can finish this statement, his door is already shut.

So last night I had to go out there. I had plenty of time, picking my way out to Wilson Court, to simmer, and I was angry by the time I got to his house. But when he opened the door, I was still all polite smiles.

“Hello,” I said. He just stood there.

“Hellooooo,” I said again. Still, he made no response.

And, it just pissed me off. I just decided that I was tired of his behavior. So I said, “Look, I’ve been coming out here a couple of times a month for a year now, and you’ve never said one word. I’m a human being and I deserve to be treated with respect, and I’m not giving you this food ‘til you say hello to me!”

He stood there for a second, and I was really just about to take his food and go back to the store, but he finally mumbled a grumpy “hello.” Didn’t hurt, did it?

“Thank you,” I said. “That’ll be $14.56.”

So when I got back to the store I asked Phil, the manager, whether he’d called to complain. Phil said no, but asked why I thought he might. So I told him and Anthony, the other driver, the story. And they laughed, and Anthony said I was his hero, ‘cause EVERYBODY at Husson’s hates this guy, it isn’t just me, and then Phil got on his cell phone and started calling the rest of the crew, all the people who work there but were off last night, to tell them the story.

So now I’m accidentally a Husson’s legend, which is pretty cool. But mostly, it just felt really good to tell Ayers off. I had a big smile on my face the whole rest of the night.