Oblivion In A Bottle

NOTE: Just a short post tonight. This one is especially for Megan, who reads this stuff to perk her up in her cubicle and got brought down by the last post on May 12th. Hope this is better. It might be a little goofy, but at least it isn't sad.

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I got feeling a little nostalgic last week, which is why the last post was such a downer. I decided to wallow in the nostalgia by drinking some Wild Irish Rose, the mind eraser I was fond of in my early 20’s. I am fortunate in that one cannot buy the real, full-strength Rose in West Virginia, so I had to settle for the watered-down pansy-ass version. Perhaps I’ve developed a sensitivity to it, but I blacked out the last several nights, even when I wasn’t drunk. So, I suppose I should let that be a lesson to me.

If any of you are considering drinking this garbage (which a wonderful website accuses of being part of a conspiracy to exterminate the homeless á la Street Trash), I can give pointers about it. No one alive knows more about drinking Rose than me, because everyone who drinks more of it than I do is already dead. So, helpful hints:

1. Don’t
2. No, seriously. Just too fucking don’t.
3. Okay, if you must. But for God’s sake drink the red, not the white. Even in my long and chronically misspent life I’ve never had anything worse in my mouth than Rose White or Platinum. I’d rather drink Everclear cut with bleach.
4. Be sure to drink it from the bottle. Under no circumstances should you pour it into a glass or cup, unless the vessel has a lid and straw. The reason for this is that, if you can smell the stuff, your body’s gag reflex will absolutely prevent you from swallowing it. And don’t use a soda cup, because this stuff will eat through, say, a McDonald’s cup in under five minutes. It’s gotta be plastic or Styrofoam.
5. Drink it room temperature. I know the bottle says “serve very cold.” This is part of the aforementioned conspiracy against the nation’s homeless. At room temperature Rose is toxic; cold, it will actually eat through the lining of your esophagus, leech into your lungs, and possibly drown you (or at least, it feels like that’s what’s happening). If I bought Rose in a place that kept it cold, I’d take off the cap and microwave it for 20 seconds or so to take the chill off.
6. The best thing to do with Rose (if you’re drinking the genuine article; this is unnecessary with the pansy-ass version) is to drink lots of water WHILE you drink it. Surprisingly, rinsing your mouth out with water after a slug leaves a not-unpleasant aftertaste.
7. If you don't want to carry around two containers (as per #6), I have a recipe for making full-strength Rose nearly tasty and slightly less deadly: dump a handful of watermelon-flavored Nerds into it. The Rose will dissolve the Nerds in about ten minutes. Then cut it with water, about one part water to two parts Rose. I do this with my canteen for long walks. It works wonders, and the water still stops you getting too awful dehydrated.
8. Don’t mix it with anything but water. I have the world’s most alcohol-resistant tummy, and I routinely mix, say, scotch and rum. But if you mix anything else with Rose, it’ll come back up…and since the vomit will be red, if you’re drunk enough you’ll be convinced you’re coughing up blood and fixin' to die. Believe me: I speak from experience.

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The NBA Playoffs are getting exciting now, in case you haven't noticed. The first round was dull as dishwater, outside of Allen Iverson and Tracy McGrady, but the second round has not disappointed.

I want to state publicly, by the way, my willingness to marry Dwayne Wade if he'll have me. I may not be much in the looks department, but I'm a hella cook and I travel well, and I'm downright ravishing in red and black.

I was gonna put something in here about Amare Stoudamire after the smackdown he laid on Dallas in Game 3. Something along the lines of "Dallas has got NOTHING for Stoudamire," or "It's Amare's world and we're all just living in it." Then he went 3-for-8 from the floor in game 4. So I guess I won't.

Still, barring the odd speed bump, it looks like Stoudamire and Wade are on a collision course in the Finals. The game's two most exciting young players squaring off for the world championship...what could be better? And while I know Stoudamire can't defend Shaq, don't forget that Shaq can't defend Stoudamire, either.

Incidentally, why do we say, when a player is playing defense on someone, that he's "defending" that person? Isn't he in fact defending against that person? Saying (for example) that Gilbert Arenas is defending Dwayne Wade (HAH!!!) makes it sound like he's protecting Wade from something. I don't think that's the case. I'm pretty sure that if someone came out of the stands with a baseball bat and went after Wade, Arenas would just stand back and watch. Probably he'd say to himself, "Damn, wish I'd thought of that." That's always bothered me. Is that pedantic?

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Favorite sign of the NBA weekend, seen at a Pacers home game:

Pursuing
A
Championship
Especially for
Reggie
See you there

Good luck, Reggie, you goddamned lousy Knicks-killer.