Appalachian Apocalypse

Okay, the first report in a week or so, and I’m glad to be back. Have continued to do well generally on the cutting-down-on-alcohol-intake front, though two pitchers and two glasses of rum on Saturday (along with a vaguely remembered quantity of Jen's vodka) were, perhaps, a bit over the top. Still, in general consumption is way down, to the point that I don’t really think about it anymore when I go out; in fact, recently the problem has been less drinking more than I should than it’s been drinking more than I can afford. And financial troubles never bother me as much as behavioral ones.

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I had been really looking forward to this past weekend. I got a weird mailing a while ago, you see. It was announcing that the circus was coming to town, sort of. When the first thing I saw upon opening this thing was a picture of a partially ruined Earth with what appeared to be a comet streaking toward it (which makes me wonder why the Earth was already ruined; it was perfectly obvious that the comet hadn’t hit yet), I knew I was in for a good time.

Actually, the crazy thing was announcing a convention of people who think that the world is coming to end, and I mean really really soon. “Something BIG is about to happen,” screamed the flyer. “Space is limited. RESERVE YOUR SEAT TODAY!” It was supposed to be a “power-packed seminar that will provide the information you need to understand how major world events relate to the time of the end,” which, you know, I hear that and I’m hooked. On Saturday the talks included “The Genesis Code” and “The Antichrist Revealed” (which, if you think about it, they should have saved for last; having "The Antichrist Revealed" on Saturday is like saying who the murderer is on the first page of a mystery novel). The Sunday talks had less interesting names, but I’m sure they were wonderful, too. And best of all, the big show was being held at the Radisson, conveniently located across the street from Hank’s and only a couple of blocks from my apartment, so transportation wasn’t gonna be a problem. Also, admission was free.

Anyway, I had planned to get up early (for me) on the Saturday, say around ten. I had research work I had to get done at the library, and on Saturday the damn thing closes up at five. So, go to the library, put in about two hours of compiling voting records, and then the day’s my own. I was planning to stop at Husson’s Pizza across the street for a slice to keep my strength up, but I wasn’t gonna eat much, because I had hope of free food at the shindig (there must have been food; no one wants to face Armageddon on an empty stomach), and wanted to keep room available.

As it turns out, I needn’t have worried about whether they’d serve food or not. I stayed up rather too late on the Friday, and ended up sleeping ‘til nearly 1:00 the next day. That, of course, was early enough to catch the craziness, but I still had that work that needed done, so I had to go to the library instead. I was so disappointed. Now, the Apocalypse will catch me unawares.

I’m sure you’re all disappointed, too, because this week’s post was gonna be a review of the performance. I was gonna take a tape recorder and a camera and my notebooks and pretend to be a real-life, honest-to-God reporter. I suppose you’ll all just have to catch these people when they come to your town. I hope for your sake that they hurry.

The whole thing was put together by an organization called “Clear Voice, Inc.” I’ve been to their website now, because I thought I should do at least that much for the benefit of my readers. There isn’t much craziness at the site, which disappointed me a bit. There’s a lot of worry about “secular fundamentalists” who want to “ghetto-ize faith,” which I hope doesn’t mean what it sounds like it means. And of course they’ve got an up-to-date list of various natural disasters taking place across the globe, which is fine. They include quotes from people who think that God is destroying the Earth in response to our wickedness, which if you think about it isn’t really a very original idea. Hurricane Katrina was God’s punishment, as you would expect, but what might surprise you is that it was specifically a rebuke for our encouraging the Jews to vacate Gaza:

At least one New Orleans-area resident believes God created the storm as punishment because of the recent role the United States played in expelling Jews from Gaza. On Sunday evening, Bridgett Magee of Slidell, La., told the Christian website Jerusalem Newswire that she saw the hurricane "as a direct 'coming back on us' [for] what we did to Israel: a home for a home." Stan Goodenough, a website columnist, described Katrina as “the fist of God” in a Monday column. “What America is about to experience is the lifting of God’s hand of protection; the implementation of His judgment on the nation most responsible for endangering the land and people of Israel,” Goodenough writes. “The Bible talks about Him shaking His fist over bodies of water, and striking them.”

So, okay. Anyway, to be fair, the Clear Voice folks didn’t write these things, and they go out of their way to explain that the fact that these things appear on their site doesn’t mean they “favor or disfavor” the views expressed. So that’s something.

My point is, I love New Orleans, but if God was gonna destroy it for wrongdoing He would have done it a long time ago. I mean, there’s every kind of sin you could want in New Orleans, just lying about the place. You can’t step off a curbside in the French Quarter without sinning. So, really, if God was mad about Israel, he should have destroyed a different city, because with New Orleans the message gets a little lost in the telling, you know? Maybe Indianapolis, which isn't doing anyone any good anyway. Plus, if Indianapolis got destroyed by a hurricane, that would be pretty spectacular, wouldn't it? Can hurricanes form over the Great Lakes?

There are a few other interesting bits, like the “Social Issues” section which details various cultural sins, such as efforts towards gay marriage and Pennsylvania allowing Sunday beer sales, for which we’ll be punished. Also, the site claims that the Catholic Church is recruiting more exorcists, presumably due to a sudden rash of folks suffering from demonic possession which has inexplicably not made the news (and you know more folks would watch the news if things like that got on).

My first thought on hearing this was, where do you go to recruit exorcists? Are there certain bars or nightclubs they hang out at? But they aren't actually trying to find exorcists; they need regular-folks (well, probably regular-priest) volunteers, and they’re offering to train you. Among the things you’ll learn is how to pick the devil out of rock music and video games and what, exactly, you’re supposed to say to him, as well as how to tell genuine possession from various false positives like, say, schizophrenia.

A few interesting bits like that. But, on the whole, the website is lamentably short on craziness, which leads me to believe that I would have been disappointed in the seminar as well. The big problem with the site is that there isn’t anything much about the end of the world on it. I was hoping to read some of what I missed hearing this weekend, but no luck. How can you have an organization dedicated to warning people about the end times, and then not talk about the end of the world on your website? If the end is really imminent, isn’t it counter-productive to make people hunt around for important information? Just put it on the homepage, okay?

Also, they’ve got a merchandise page, but no T-shirts. I would have bought one.

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That’s about all that happened this week, really, except that Andi sang at the Union on Saturday night (which is why I drank so much). She had some trouble with the frat boys, which there’s a shock, huh? Anyway, during a break she sat with me and complained about them. She asked, “Why do you come here? You’re too smart for this.”

“I come here when there’s no one else here, Andi,” said I. “The only reason I'm here now is you; I was walking out the door when you showed up, and I stayed to listen to you. This is all your fault.”

Andi didn’t have any fun at all and walked out vowing never to return (in part because of a fight with her guitar player, whose name may or may not have been Sean, which may or may not be spelled correctly), but actually I had a good time. I got a bit drunk, as I mentioned, and Jen was there. I hadn’t seen her since last spring, so that was nice. Also, Charlotte was there. I hadn’t, to the best of my recollection, ever really had a conversation with her before, but we talked a bit on Saturday, and I enjoyed it very much. They’re playing somewhere else on Thursday (St. Mark's, I believe), and since Charlotte is Andi's semi-manager she'll presumably be there. I think I’ll go ‘round and see them.

And my brother finally got my CD burner working, so I’m in a disc-making frenzy. If you’re reading this and I know you personally, be expecting a CD sometime in the near future. Best of all, I’ve been making covers for the jewel cases, which is a low-impact way to exercise my creativity. These cases I’m making look professional, and I’m actually recording CDs that I’ll probably never listen to, just to make more cases. It’s a sad and sorry scene, really, but I’m enjoying it.

And that’s been my life for the last week. If anything further develops, I’ll report back. Sorry about the Rapture thing; I'll try to be a better reporter in the future. Love to all.